A Benchmark Conversation

“Do you mind if I join you on the bench? No? OK? You’re not called Mark, are you? ‘Cos that would be really cool. ‘Do you mind if I join you on the bench, Mark?’ Ho ho. That would really set the level of the conversation. Yeah… So… Right… Jack Dee’s playing downstairs in the toilet right now. Well, when I say ‘playing’ I mean there’s a recording of him. Not ‘playing’ as in doing a gig. Though that would be cool. But I don’t think it’s his usual type of venue. Sorry, I’m a bit… Yeah… Isn’t it cold? Is it cold…? Is it COLD? I mean, it it possible that it could feel colder than it is and it’s actually quite warm? Or maybe warmer than it feels and it’s actually quite cold? I suppose when we say ‘Is it cold?’ that’s a colloquial judgement. Can something be colloquial if only one person says it? Or does it require more than one person to say it? Matter of perspective? Oh, that’s what the co- is for, is it? Well, do you think it’s cold? Yeah? Well, there you go – it IS colloquially cold then. Is it OK if I…? Yeah… benchmark… I mean, I’m just completely… This place is a toilet, isn’t it? Not literally, of course. It’s a pub. Although it does have a toilet in it. In fact, the toilet might be the best thing about it. Especially with the whole Jack Dee performance going on. And… yeah… Full of wankers. Except you, of course. You seem to be the sanest person in it. Though, technically you’re not actually ‘in’ it. Is that why you’re outside on the bench, Mark? Getting the measure of the place? What IS your name, by the way? Right… I’m AdamAlexAlan. Yeah… There’s a really good pub on Green Lanes, though. You know Green Lanes? All walks of life… Not like this toilet here. Well, I’m off inside again now. I’m going to get pissed. Well, more pissed… After all, it IS a toilet. As Jack Dee said… Well, technically he didn’t say that, he just said something IN a toilet… But you know what? I think that might almost be the same thing. Check out that pub. Yeah, Green Lanes. Nice to meet you, Mark. Cheers…”