All-together-now!
"Stu-art's the ep-it-o-me..."
Sorry. But why bother exercising my braincells when Tompaulin have already done the job for me?
Arf arf snigger snigger.
;-)
Character Assassination Competition
Another couple of quotes from Saturday's Guardian, both of which were laugh-out-loud moments. Firstly, the Rolling Stones were portrayed by Andrew Mueller as "[looking] increasingly like a rock group built by Professor Gunther von Hagens." Then, just as I'd recovered from that, Stephen Fry was described by Ali Catterall as "a lovely man, with a brain the size of Herefordshire, but whose entire comedic persona might be likened to a tipsy thesaurus and the ability to pronounce words like 'effervescent' in a mildly affected voice." Naughty but nice.
What with the above and the recent Dido-slagging, I'm clearly feeling a little more fractious than usual, so now it's time for karmic retribution. Get yer bitching heads on and fill the comments box with your most heartless potted descriptions of my cranky old self. Crueller is generally funnier, however unjustified (though bear in mind that the best humour is usually based on the truth, however loosely). Be as harsh as you like, no offence will be taken. If I'm going to dish it out - even by proxy - I have to be able to take it too.
In fact - a Hydragenic first - there will be a PRIZE for the most sphincter-clenchingly accurate description posted by 5pm UK time on Friday: a CD or book of your choice (within reason) from Amazon UK. To maintain some kind of objectivity, Mrs Hg will be the final judge and no correspondence will be entered into. (Those of you who have met her will understand the sheer futility of any attempt to influence her opinion.) The winner will be announced next Monday.
Here are a couple of starters for ten, just to get you into the mood. How about "a man whose entire weblog is based on endless variations of the sentiment 'isn't my life great!', underpinned by endless descriptions of precisely why it isn't." Or maybe we'll head further below the belt and highlight my membership of "that breed of thirty-something men who believe that alcohol is an adequate substitute for intelligent conversation."
Sharpen those teeth, my little piranhas. Take no prisoners!
Posted by Hg on Monday 08 September 2003 at 08:22.
Received 14 comments so far.
Comments
Oooh, it's so clever! :-)
For those of you totally bemused by this nauseating display of in-jokery, I should explain that towards the end of last year Mike pressed a CD into my hand, made some kind of grimacing gesture half-way between a wink and a smirk and said "You'll like the last track."
The track turned out to be Swing Low Stuart by stadium megastars Tompaulin and the lyrics are as follows:
Stuart's the epitome
Of white-boy, middle-class monogamy
He'd like to meet some deviants
He invested in some leather pants
He found a place where they swap wives
There's girls on girls and hairy thighs
Every Sunday after mass
A council house with pebbledash
Julie makes you feel at home
And makes sure that you're not alone
Her husband is a council clerk
Called Linda when he's not at work
Stuart has a secret life
He needs an open-minded wife
Small and pretty, blonde and thin
Someone who will dominate him
It was, admittedly, side-splittingly funny. A generous handful of those lines bears more than a passing resemblance to me, though I'll be leaving the matter of exactly which ones to your lurid and feverish imaginations.
In fact, I've often debated posting either this song's lyrics or even an MP3 of the song on this site, but I've never had an excuse to do so until now. Enjoy (4.4MB).
Though I had cussed by proxy in the main post, I wasn't sure whether cussing by proxy represented an acceptable entry in the competition. I consulted Mrs Hg and she came up with what I believe is a fine and admirable compromise: should Mike's entry be judged the funniest, the competition terms will be modified slightly and his prize will be a Troubled Diva mug.
Myself, I'm not feeling nearly so conciliatory. It might be funny, but it's Second-Hand and here at Hydragenic we prefer Brand New. Can you do better than Indie Diva? Get writing...
You are, as I've told you before, the Jonathan Meades of weblogging.
That's not an insult. But it could be.
Damn. I can't think of anything REALLY nasty to say, mainly because I am - as everyone will tell you - far too nice.
What I will do, then, is say that yer weblog's not bad, even though you nicked all the obfuscational bits from me.
And I'm suing.
See, that's not very bad, is it? I simply can't *do* this kind of stuff. Less character assassination and more character gentle ribbing. :-)
I think we should invite Tom Paulin (the critic, critic and critic) to educate us in the art of insult.
The problem is this: despite the best machinations of that murky corner of my brain which which be forever set to Evil Bitch Troll From Hell Mode On (something to do with Boarding School Survivor Syndrome, I'll be bound), the contents of Hydragenic resolutely fail to generate any BitchTrollHellisms whatsoever. Maybe that's your character assassination? Hydragenic: The Blog They Couldn't Bitch About.
How about:
"Hg: The blog you would have wanted to be before you read it."
"Hg: Your cultural life by proxy."
"The principal difference between Hg and a tour guide is that here I don't have to tip."
"Hg: Like the black sheep uncle of the family you only see at weddings and who insists on doing the lambada while drinking too much Bailey's. But in weblog form."
"If you actually do let passengers off the train before boarding, then you'll just love Hg!"
No, none of them are really bile-fillled, I'm afraid. At least I tried.
Uh-hum...free book, is it, then? I'm having an Elvis Costello moment: "He stands to be insulted and pays for the privilege." Just because the insult's solicited doesn't mean it isn't heartfelt, blogjohn.
Comment by opie on Tuesday 09 September 2003 at 20:52.
Ugh. An opportunity to gratuitously insult someone I don't know at all seemed golden. But years of social conditioning will out. What a distressing feeling. Can't we just slag some unsuspecting third party instead?
Comment by opie on Tuesday 09 September 2003 at 21:36.
Hg: Used to be a must read
Stuart: that tall, baldy otherwise non-descript bloke
You know, this competition is the biggest load of s417e I've seen in a very long time. It's just a gratuitous attempt to get people to comment. It's a pale imitation of a Troubled Diva Collaborative Community effort. I would have thought that a blog that's being going as long as Hg wouldn't need cheap publicity stunts.
i absolutely couldn't think of anything bad to say.
plus i'm going to see you in a week and I want you to be nice to me!
Comment by ModSue on Friday 12 September 2003 at 22:53.
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